self

Its the first time that I have deleted a post on this blog because I didn't like what I wrote. So anyone who might have happened to have read it over the last 24 hours, knows what am talking about..

It was a moment of weakness, a moment of self obsessing. And now when I read it, its entirely repulsive. Its kind of strange that
* Being positive about self is good, but you shouldn't be snooty about it.
* looking into oneself is good, but being self centered is not.
* being in love with one's personality isn't bad at all, but stop being narcsisitic.

And then I wonder about all this morality business.. Why did I get disgusted with my momentary self obsession? Why do I think its wrong or distasteful?
Eventually every action is really selfish in its own way or selfless, its how you percieve it and how directly you stand to gain..

ps : i still love my haircut though..:)

Steeling away :)

Steele :"Look Laura, There are only two ways to go through life. Like you, the mathematics student, expecting to find your universe in perfect working order, demanding too much of yourself and everyone around you finding yourself disappointed at every turn.

Or like me, the wanderer, entitled to nothing, not even parents. Finding myself surprised when something does go right or somebody pats me on the back instead of kicking me on the teeth "

Laura:" Where do you get the strength to try when you don't think you'll succeed ?"


Steele :"And where do find the strength to pick yourself up time and time again when you let yourself down?"

Laura:"I believe in myself"

Steele: " And I believe in whoever I am at the moment. And when that doesn't work anymore I become someone else!"

Laura:"Teach me that and we can run away from all this mess"

Steele: " I was hoping you would teach me to stand up and fight"


Have to tell you there is more to Remington Steele than meets the eye:)

PS : When I couldn't come up with anything intelligble, I begged, borrowed and STEELED...

Still stuck on movies

My alltime favourite movie is "Before Sunrise". The idea is exteremely romantic and far fetched, two strangers meeting in the train and hitting it off straight away.
The movie is about the one day they spend together, Ethan Hawke playing an American on Europe trip. And Julie Delphy on her way back to work meet on the train and Julie agrees to take off with Ethan to roam Vienna..
The whole movie is a bunch of interesting conversations. I just loved the movie, I can still remember a lot of things they talked about. In todays time, it could be a blog.
Don't think my friends liked it as much. But if you are a romantic at heart and love to listen.. this is a good watch:)

Interestingly the two actors got back together after 10 years to make the sequel before sunset. Its real time in terms of movie, which is cool. The ending is slightly disappointing. But there never can be a good ending to such stories.

Don't know why I was reminded of this movie but there you go.

Lets go to the movies

Do I have to write about every movie I watch? No definetely not.

Whether I will? Guess guess!! (tell no gopi tell no.. for anyone who might have seen Gopi Kishan!)

I would love to share with you all two movies I saw recently.. ( aah I can see people really brightening up to read this post now :) )
The Squid and the Whale
Its a two hour movie about a year in the life of a couple who are breaking up. So what's new about that? The couple has been married 16 years or something, have a 14 and a 9 year old offspring.
My two cents, worth a watch on afterthoughts. Immediately after the movie I could only feel depressed ( its too realistic!) and angry that how can people be so self-centered what kind of example they are setting their children?
On second thoughts, it makes you realize how much our parents really influence us in the way we think? All of our lives we try to be different from them, and yet we are so much a part of them! (more than just literally!) Good job by all actors!
Warning! Don't expect an ending, with such a storyline.. there is no ending!

Up Close and Personal

Very mush mush, not really my kind of movie. Yet I loved it!
Its the usual storyline, rags to riches, falling in love with mentor, marrying him..etc
What was good? It was about reporters. I almost wished I had been brave enough to become a journalist. On second thoughts, I suppose if I really wanted it I would have done it. Its hard to know when you are making these choices though! BTW thats partly what made me love the movie. Its really about television reporting, buts its all good :)
Another plus is the chemistry between Robert Redford and Michelle Pfiefer (probably spelt it wrong!). Its wonderful when a couple can be on the same page, all along in their relationship. Very refereshing to watch about a couple who doesn't spend time feeling insecure about each other.. (guess that just wasn't the point of the movie :))

Ok, I now sigh with relief for penning it down. Been thinking about this for a few days now. Is this a blog or a confessional? or what? :)

Ramblings

* I think Spider man is extremely realistic. Why else would it take a guy superhuman strength to profess his love?

* Is infatuation the first step towards falling in love? If so, why do people try to nip teenage love in the bud?

* I saw the graduate recently. My friend had told me that I wouldn't like it :) I can tell him proudly that inspite of the story, I loved the movie direction and great execution of good dialogues.. So as a matter of fact, I liked it !

* There are some songs which I like without really getting what the person is trying to say in the song. And then someday something happens, the song flashes back and I am totally feeling the song !!!
An example, take this song written by Joni Mitchell, i have only heard hte version sung by Paul young and Clannad.

Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons ev’rywhere
I’ve looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on ev’ryone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It’s cloud illusions I recall
I really don’t know clouds at all

Moons and junes and ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As ev’ry fairy tale comes real
I’ve looked at love that way

But now it’s just another show
You leave ’em laughing when you go
And if you care, don’t let them know
Don’t give yourself away

I’ve looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It’s love’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I’ve looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I’ve changed
Well something’s lost, but something’s gained
In living ev’ry day

I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all
I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all

Fantasy

This huge craving I have for sweets results in me going to the halwai dukkan every day. Day in day out visiting leads to love of course. Before you know I am married to my dear motu halwai. I can imagine what happens ten years hence. He has a huge belly, he has a definitely a huge mustache. I sit at the counter looking after the finances (after all the math has to be used somewhere!).

In the mornings before the shop opens I stare at him lovingly, my motu halwai, stirring the huge kadhai filled with ghee. I will pour the besan while he stirs the liquid mixture.
Then there they will be, perfect mysore paks like mom makes.

In the afternoon, the shop closes for an hour. I make fresh chappatis for him. We will have a good meal, shared in silence. And then he presents me with a new sweet he has made. He puts the first piece ever tasted into my mouth. I critically assess it, and as always its perfect.

Around 4 the schools will end. In among other children who will pour in to buy sweetmeats, come in our children, chunnu, munni, gulu, nilu, vinu and sonu.
I will take them into the kitchen, serve them lunch. Then of course, they will also be included in partaking of the new sweet.

Evenings, the shop would be run completely by my dear motu halwai, while I look after the children.

Finally its night. After cleaning up, as we lay down to sleep, I remember the taste of the mithai I had in the afternoon. Tired and happy I sleep like a log waiting for another day to come :)

getting old

Lately realize that lot of people complain about being old. People in their late twenties complain about nearing thirties. People in their thirties complain about being in their thirties and so on..

I was trying to remember when was it that I was totally thrilled to be getting older.. perhaps the first 20 years of my life. They were a bliss. In school it would be fun going into new class and I loved getting new textbooks, new stories in the english book to read ( sure I was bookish then like always!) . First day of the school of the new year was always exciting, then rest of the year one could look forward to the summer holidays. Growing up was fun.

20-25 just disappeared, I actually forgot what my age was for a few years. Had to think everytime somebody asked me how old I was! Quite funny actually. Its a nice time when there is so much to look ahead too, see your future takings shaping.

After 25 for some reason things just start slowing down. The disillusionment sinks in. Its the first time when a kid called me aunty I realised that I was getting old!
Of course my cousin nephew (cousin's son) still refuse to call me Athai inspite of my several pleas unless he wants favours out of me.


Shrug! Big deal, so I have lived at least a quarter of my life. Ok, to be exact couple more than quarter. Lets see what the future has in store. Perhaps it won't be all that disappointing after all :)

some people have got

loving fears

"Maybe he went by me on the street and I just missed him"

"Maybe I didnt notice her, because I busy oggling at the girl in the short skirt"

"Perhaps I would have fallen in love with her, given time. Why did she have to move?"

" Was he the one? He just introduced me to his would be wife.. and I am wondering what if it was him?"

loving hopes

" She certainly didn't love me. But am sure someone will."

"Oh, so what if he doesnt feel the same way about him. I'll wait... how long can my Prince Charming elude me "

And then there are the love stories. The ones that were never expressed, the ones told out loud in public. The ones which were accepted, the rejected ones. There are ones with two peoples, ones with one person, ones with more than 2 people.

Every story is different, every couple has one. Some people have more than one,
some none...

Obsession

I thinking currently I have two obsessions. Have to watch one episode of Remington Steele every night no matter what. And have to read blogs, and come up with stuff to write.
Why does every new thing have to be an obsession with me? In case of writing its a age old obsession which surfaces on and off given enough fuel. For a while my obsession was reading shouts on desi-radio. I made several e-friends via DR. cool!
Now am obsessed with blogging. I want write something, no matter how nonsensical everyday.
Yesterday I decided I would write only "meaningful"(aah I can see you grin when u read the next line!) things, so I came up with a story.
Now am upset cause no one leaves comments on stories apparently.
Then I have to remember my cousins famous words, etched in my memory " Write about things that you feel, about people you know, real life experiences."
Still can't do it. If I make my story too real, will it still be interesting? If it happened to me, would I want to tell you about it? and why would anything interesting ever happen to me? shrug!
Back to my topic.. I think I suffer from obsessive syndrome, whether its a disorder I will let you decide. Still waiting for the day when I can truely obsess about what I do for a living!!

love?????

He was pretty good looking. That chap who worked on the 5th floor. Everyday I would go to restaurant for a cup of tea at 8:35. And there he would be sitting at the same old table. Drinking his coffee reading the newspaper. Stripes shirt, blue tie, brown briefcase.

I grew fond of him. I would sit two tables across from him sipping my cup of tea, stealing glances at him, pretending to read my M &B while he would read the Times of India. And then five minutes to 9 we would both get up, pay our bills and take the flight up the lift. He would get off at 5th floor and I on the 7th (top one!).

I noticed little things about him, how he would never hold the handle of the mug but hold it with both hands clutching on to the warmth on cold mornings.
How he would open his cigarette case, fiddle with the cigarettes and put them back in. Never smoking any of it. The case was always full. Then before paying the bill he would stare at his wallet a full 20 seconds.

Oh God, I was in love with him. He had a receeding hairline, he was just a tweed taller than me and looked prone to putting on weight. But oh god, I loved him.
He would smile at him, as I would enter the restaurant. And we would chat our way up on the lift (elevator!) Just the usual hellos, hope your day is good on the 30 second ride.

And then it happened. One day I came to the restaurant and didn't see him. I wondered. Worried more when I didn't see him the next day and the day after and the day after... Who would I ask? I didn't even know his name!

Two whole weeks went by, I almost got used to getting disappointed every morning.
And then I saw him, back at the same table. My heart skipped a beat. He smiled and I smiled back. So many questions and so much to say and only a 30 second lift ride ! And then I saw another guy pat his back, "Hey Raj" Ah I thought his name is Raj! So how was your honeymoon? Did you have fun at Kulu Manali?"

A tea stained saree, a few tear drops and a few missed heartbeats was all I was left with.

and why exactly are you helping me?

Humanity, helping those in need is a good virtue. Or so I have been told.
Personally I think I help people (if and when) for selfish reasons, it makes me feel good.

But lately I wonder why anyone helps anyone?

Context? I have been having problems with setting up Wireless on my Linux. My cousin just told me its to be expected because people don't want to make wireless drivers for linux because of some Microsoft ghapla (shady work!).
Anyway, I started posting questions on Mandriva Linux forums . Bless those kindly souls who kept answering my irritating questions. Eventually I managed with their help to get it working.
I was just thinking now, what motive could anybody have to share their knowledge free of cost?

Its probably in a way sad that I have even thought of that question. I have to wonder why the rest of the world isn't just a forum where anyone can ask a question and people will answer?

Rumor has it!!

Ignore the Italics if you want to see this movie. If not read on!

So what's worse
A man sleeping with three women in the family? to be specific, woman, her mother and her daughter!
or
that none of them loved him?

That is what came to mind after watching this new Jennifer Aniston Flick, a sequel to the Graduate.

Hero Worship

I have always had a hero to look up to (some form or the other). As female I should probably look for women as my role models, but let's shelve that discrepancy.

As a kid, and for a several year into my teenage years my brother was my hero.
I think I still look upto him, but that blind worship and immitation has disappeared into a strong friendship. My obsession with cricket is thanks to him. My affinity to electronics (even though I suck at physics and really have no knowledge of circuitry)
is because of his real knowledge ! There are probably several small mannerisms that I immitated as a kid. I think my handwriting has some resemblance to his :)

My other hero for past decade has been Rahul Dravid. Sure, his looks were a consideration :) but truly, you can't see much person in their cricket gear. All I can remember is falling in love with his cut shots and his style of playing the hook close to the ground! I am no cricket expert, but I loved his shots. Before writing this post I should have probably checked up on his biography.

But here is my reason for looking up to him. When he came into the national team, everybody was impressed by his technique. But he failed to make a impression on the one day style of the game. In fact he made a very strong negative impression in regards to his approach to the game. But since a few years now, he has been a world-class player in both forms of the game. He has won matches for India and has very much been a team player.

As is tradition in the US of celebrating all occasions on the weekends. This post is a
Birthday Greeting for the current Indian Captain, who became 33 on Jan 11th.
Here is wishing him Several laurels and wins for India in the coming years.

Dost

I was reminded of this stuff thanks to this blog I read today on Catharsis of the Contrived Mind about Friends. Had to post it of course :)

You remember well the first day you saw your friend sitting on the bench
in the park. She dusted off the leaves and asked you to come sit by and
talk to her 'cause you looked like you had lots to talk about. Soon enough
it became a ritual, the dusting off of leaves to make a place for you.
Then its became so natural that she stopped dusting off the leaves 'cause
she knew you would come and sit beside her. Eventually one day you noticed
that if you had to go talk you would have to dust the bench. Now you
weren't sure whether you were still welcome or not. So next day you just
stood nearby, spoke a few words. Your friend thought you were in a hurry
and didn't think she should ask, you would have told her if something was
troubling you. Slowly the chats became shorter and your friend wasn't sure
what went wrong, neither were you. Soon enough you walk by the bench on
an evening to see it empty, and you know it in your heart that there is a very dusty glass wall between the two of you. So the friendship went
sour, who knew whose fault it was! Talking might have helped but then
again, who knows!

Surely though its just as natural that you sit by the
bench one evening and your friend ( ex friend perhaps) passes you by and
you smile at her, dust the leaves next to you and she comes and sits
besides you. Its like you've always been friends even when those weeks when
the bench was empty. And it all fits in like a jigsaw puzzle. Friendships
are like that, you just need to remember to dust off time.

Philosophy

I am not much of a philosopher. Its hard to say deep meaningful things. Here are some philosophies stolen from movies, ghazals (a form of hindi/urdu poetry) and my favourite television series. The idea is to add to it as and when I encounter more

This one is from a very crappy Hindi movie "Om Jai Jagdish".
So Jai says or at least the gist of it " Everybody seems to be unhappy. But stories are supposed to end happily. So if everyone is not happy this cannot be the end!"

Here is another one, Remington Steele telling Laura a story. Remington worked with this Marcus ( he was then but 12 years old) and these bunch of people worked hard, and the ship/tanker which was supposed to make them rich blew up right in front of them. Morose and sad they all were, but soon Marcus started laughing and
when this enraged 12 year old asked him why? " Think about the possibilties, extranjero ! Everything is new now. You get to have a fresh start, do it all from the beginning. How exciting! "

Finally here are the first some lines from Javed Akhtar's Ghazal sung by Jagjit sing

Sach hai yeh, bekar humein gham hota hai
Its true, we feel sad unnecessarily.

Jo chaha, duniya mein kam hota hai
What you want, happens very rarely in this world.

gairon ko kab fursat hai dukh dene ki
When do strangers have the time to give you pain?

jab hota hai koi humdum hota hai
Sach yeh hai bekar humein gham hota hai.

When it happens, its a dear one.
It is true, we feel sad unnecessarily